Hello hello, and welcome to Episode 107 of Life On the Brink!
This week I am officially 20 weeks pregnant, which is kind of half way! It’s crazy to realize that in just a few months I’m going to have a whole baby girl and be her mother. It's so exciting but also a lot to process.
To mark this halfway point, this episode is all about my pregnancy journey thus far. I haven’t really talked much about it yet, so I’m sharing a bit of my first-time pregnancy experience as well as answering your questions.
What’s in my teacup? Twinings' Camomile, Honey & Vanilla herbal tea.
Before we jump into the questions, allow me to give a little bit of background.
I’m the oldest of all my siblings and cousins, so I grew up witnessing a lot of pregnancies and babies in my family. My baby will also be the first of her generation and my parents’ first grandchild. While I haven’t necessarily been in a rush to have children, having a family was something that Josh and I knew was important to us even before we got married.
This past summer we celebrated our third year anniversary, we have a home and Josh has a new steady job that he enjoys. I think I was ready for a baby first, and after a few conversations we made the decision to give it a go!
Then, on a very personal note, I found a new urgency to have children in August when my Grandma passed away. Family has always been important to me, but that experience made me realize even more that I want to be a mother and make another generation of family. That legacy is even more precious to me now.
I feel like, while there’s never a “perfect time” to do something like this, it really was the right time for us.
I got pregnant in September and found out about it on October 1st. From there it’s been managing my changing body and preparing for the baby one step at a time. I have a tendency to over-research and overthink, so I’ve intentionally tried not to do that with pregnancy. Sometimes I still have little moments of fear or doubt or lots of emotion, but for the most part I’ve been focusing on observing things as they change and learning new things as they become relevant. That’s just been the way that works for me as I try not to stress myself out.
I’m half way through, we know our baby is a girl (!!!) and everything has been great so far! To get into some specifics, I’ll be answering some of your questions.
Q+A
When are you due?
June 10th. It’s actually perfect timing as my school year will be done by then and I’ll have the whole summer to just adjust to our new rhythm. I’m so blessed in that, even though none of my jobs provide official maternity leave, I have so much flexibility and can take that time off AND Josh is able to support us in the meantime.
How did you find out/tell Josh?
He actually knew as much as I did every step of the way. I came home from a few days away on a work trip and knew something felt different. I took a test on Friday evening that came back negative, but I knew it was still really early. I think we both knew at that point, but it was a matter of certainty.
So Josh was with me that weekend as I took another pregnancy test every 12 hours or so, and sure enough the little pink line was barely visible, then a little more visible.
That Sunday, October 1st, I was pretty certain and really wanted to tell my family, so I got one of the fancy digital tests that will outright say “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and tested that afternoon. It was positive! I showed it to Josh when he got out of the shower and, even though it wasn’t a surprise to either of us, it was a really sweet moment where we prayed together and we’re 100% unified in our joy.
Do you name a name picked out?
We do! Our close friends and family know, but I plan on waiting til she’s born to share online :)
Have you always dreamt of being a mom?
Not in the way some women do, I think. I just knew since adulthood that it’s something I would do. It’s an experience that I wanted to have at some point in my life, and then over the past few years more of that desire came gradually. I get to be party mom
Me and Josh as kids. Can't wait to see what our kids look like!
Did you have any 1st trimester symptoms?
Lord, yes. I did have some intense nausea starting at about Week 5, and at first I found that if I ate lighter meals more frequently that it would help, but eventually it seemed like nothing I did actually mattered. Some days I would feel almost normal, then the next I’d be on the couch all day because moving made it so much worse!
I tried all the things: sour candies, vitamin B6, ginger everythings, saltine crackers (which I ate first thing in the morning for about 2 months), toast. Occasionally I could stomach some ramen, but the aversions were on 10. I never actually got sick, just had some really rough days. I canceled a lot of stuff, I hardly exercised at all, and Josh really had to help me be kind to myself. It was just WILD to not be able to follow a pattern and just have to do everything intuitively.
Weeks 8 and 9 were probably the toughest, and then by Week 11 it had all pretty much subsided
What has been the most exciting part of pregnancy?
Thus far, it’s whenever I get to see her during an ultrasound or hear her little heartbeat!
What has been the most difficult part of pregnancy?
Perhaps it was the nausea, it just made it hard to focus on anything else. I was still in a tough place in terms of grieving and for some reason the nausea made it really difficult to have a good perspective, I just couldn’t focus.
But also! The pregnancy hormones have made some of my intrusive thoughts, particularly in the area of self worth and confidence, REALLY loud. More so in the 2nd trimester I think, I’ve had several days of feeling really down for no reason or feeling so self-critical. It’s also winter, though, which is tough anyway, so it could be a mix of things.
Have you had any pains (back/head/hips etc)?
During the very first few weeks of pregnancy I had a lot of what just felt like cramps to me, especially when I would stand up. At this point I’ll have little twinges and pains here and there, I’ve had random pains in my back or leg for like a week at a time, but nothing major yet.
I’m trying to remain active and to incorporate a lot of stretching and yoga into my routines, cause I think I feel my best when I’m able to move my body better. We’ll see how that goes in the 3rd trimester.
What are you most looking forward to about having a baby?
So many things, but I’m so excited to meet someone who looks like both me and Josh.
What do you think your parenting style will be?
I don’t think I will have a true style, but the two words that come to mind when I think of how I would like to be as a parent are “calming” and “present”. I definitely value discipline and structure (my child will absolutely have manners) but I don’t want to sweat every detail or feel tied to markers of development. I’ve learned a lot as a teacher, and I hope I will be able to bring some of those communication skills into parenting. We’ll see!
Have you still been teaching/singing/performing while pregnant, and how do you plan to continue after birth?
Yes, I’ve really enjoyed singing and performing throughout the pregnancy so far. It hasn’t been an inhibitor and I love that I can look back at certain projects or concerts and know that Baby Girl was with me.
As far as after she’s born, I do plan to continue working but with some scaling back. I love the school I teach at and since I’m part time (like 1-2 afternoons per week) I feel like it will be manageable. I’m less passionate about teaching piano lessons, so I may cut back some of those hours, and most of the rest of my work is gig-based, so I can take the jobs I want as I’m able. I’m so fortunate to have Josh and a family that will be absolutely clamoring to have time with the baby, so I’m going to be very intentional this fall to just observe and see what we’re able to do as a family.
Thank you so much for your questions, for your support and excitement as I await this new baby. I’m down for the challenge and I know that it’s going to be even better than I imagine.
If you have any pregnancy or parenting experiences, advice or words of encouragement, please let me know in a comment down below!
This Week’s Little Joy: I finally starting watching a show that I’ve almost watched several times. The show is “Lupin,” a French series on Netflix about a high-profile thief who is tracking down answers regarding his past. Every episode has moments of heist and excitement, but also flashbacks that help give context. It also shows Paris through a French lens, rather than through the romanticized American one, which I find fascinating. It’s so enjoyable, I can’t wait to make my way through all three seasons.
What I’m Listening To: An 8.5 hour long playlist on Spotify called “jazz for cooking.” Last week after several days of feeling restless and melancholy, I made boeuf bourguignon with parmesan mashed potatoes and chocolate cake. My whole late afternoon/evening was occupied with it, and all the while this playlist was in the background. It helped me to get out of my head and into my hands, and made the most delicious meal I’ve had in a while.
Thank you so much for listening! Feel free to leave a comment, or head to Apple Podcasts to leave a star rating or review. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, send an email in the contact form on this site. I’d love to hear from you, and I'll be back in two weeks!